Warning: This could be a long one. You have a choice.
Short version
In 2007 I decided to make some podcasts. The idea was to start to build the foundations of a book. I enjoyed writing and speaking and by the Autumn, things were going well and to plan.
Then my father was given a six month prognosis with prostate cancer and he lived 200 miles away. We also unexpectedly found a house to renovate 50 miles away in the other direction. I begun three years of not knowing what I was doing from one week to another.
My father lived for thirty three months and died in July 2010. We finally moved into the house in November 2010. Something had to give over the years and it was my writing, the podcasts and eventually my practice.
It look me a few months to settle in to the new surroundings and routine, but that's when I started to write again and resurrect the blog.
Last week I was chatting to a friend. We went from subject to subject and she mentioned a family problem in the extended family. Though I wasn't wearing my therapist's hat, I couldn't resist offering a few thoughts, but didn't like to say too much. On getting home I thought would send her something I had written in 2007. She could take it or leave it.
She read it and was complimentary. She thanked me, as she now had perspective on the problem. I thanked her, because her words had given me the extra push I needed. A book written in my style could help people. "I don't do psychobabble", I told her. "It's accessible.", she said.
I shall persevere.
The subject matter is Relationships. It is available as a podcast on Itunes, as are several other subjects.
http://itunes.apple.com/gb/podcast/chasing-rainbows/id252159492
The long version
Here is the text:
Relationships (written in 2007)
“ I knew he was childish. I just wanted my childhood back.”
Woman on phone talking about her husband
When I started to write about relationships, I was primarily thinking about the close emotional and physical relationship between two adults romantically involved. Then I realised that relationship problems include those occurring in families, amongst friends, neighbours, social circle and in the workplace. Many of these problems have arisen because of the inequality of emotional maturity between the adults involved.
There are also the relationships between people and other things they come into contact with. These can be very different, ranging from food to animals, vehicles to computers, books to places. The common denominator is that the relationship can be an emotional one and so also vulnerable to the vagaries of the emotional brain and laden in context.
The Chasing Rainbows understanding is that adults, who physically, chronologically and intellectually act the age they are, have an arrested emotional growth in certain (not all) situations. Hence the term, “Oh Act your age”.
The author and psychologist, Daniel Goleman, is famous for his work on emotional intelligence and came up with the term ‘emotional hijacking.’ In dysfunctional relationships I suggest that the emotional hijacking is being done by the junior adult,
who I shall call ‘mini-me’ after the Austin Powers film character.
1Emotional intelligence is referred to as (EQ) and has little to do with intellectual intelligence (IQ). I’m continually amazed at the amount of people who are not aware of this difference. The receptors lie in different parts of the brain. A high IQ is no measure of emotional maturity. Any visit to a university or college will illustrate that - and I’m not necessarily talking about the students!
The now dead politician, Robin Cook, was a man considered at one time to be the most intelligent man in British politics. He said that it wasn’t until he married his second wife, Gaynor, that he learnt about emotional intelligence.
Whilst a present relationship may be experiencing problems, it’s often because a past relationship is still influencing the person’s behaviour in the present. If someone in a relationship is at certain times behaving more in a childish way than adult, then it will affect anyone they are in contact with.
When we experience an emotional reaction, we are experiencing a pattern match in the brain and reenacting something from our personal history. It is most unlikely to actually have anything to do with the present.
In fact past relationships can affect communication between two people who have only just made contact. For instance: road rage or any rage incidents. These have little to do with annoyance in the present. There has been an emotional hijack. It can arise from a feeling of low self esteem, which has its roots in past relationships or there is a reminder of someone from the past who has caused the perpetrator unhappiness or fear. Here I remember another British politician, John Prescott (as previously mentioned in Audio 11), who famously and with full media coverage, hit a member of the public who had taunted him. This explanation can provide a reason for troublesome, if not dangerous, behaviour, but is not an excuse. Adults need to use self control, as referred to on Audio 10 - Setting boundaries.
Often in these situations, some adults are called controlling. Take a controlling adult and look at them as a frightened 8 year old, terrified of losing attention and love, or being humiliated, ridiculed, perhaps not valued, frightened of not being good enough or going without. Of not being in control of their surroundings. It can explain a great deal.
One of my clients wrote to me, “The third most important thing I think you’ve taught me is the fact that I can change things. There are things beyond my control but I can control how I respond to them. I have learnt that life is beyond my control but how I respond to life is all within the bounds of my control”.
My client, who has a superior IQ, is now learning how to improve their EQ.
The basic frame work of the model I use is the same whatever the status of the people involved. It may appear familiar to those who have studied Transactional Analysis and also the role of transference in therapy.
Transference is about the transferring of feelings from one person on to another. I personally call it dumping, but that is not a very scientific term, although everyone knows what it means. Why should we end up being covered by someone else’s rubbish? And that’s putting it politely.
Perhaps there is a difference in the type of feelings involved?
Transference and an adult mini-me in control, can be frequently observed in adults who have difficulty with authority figures because of their emotional pattern match to their old teachers. Whilst the adult mini-me’s feelings about a parent can often be ‘dumped’ on to a partner and the feelings about a partner can be ‘dumped’ on to a child or future partner.
Audio 6 - taking control, not losing control covers what one can do with the hijacking mini-me.
I’m assured by those who have studied TA and transference, that Chasing Rainbows adds a different understanding for these behaviours. As I have said before, this certainly isn’t about nurturing the inner child. It’s about firmly reassuring the adult mini-me, telling it to go away and being able to then focus on the adult self. Parents often adhere to routine bedtimes for their children, explaining to them that they’ve had their time through the day, now the evening is grown-up time. Our lives in the present are for our grown-up selves, not to entertain or attend to the demands of ‘mini-me’.
I believe that relationships, work mainly from variations of one of the three following models.
1. Adult and adult.
Two adults are able to relate to each other as adults. They explore and support getting their individual adult needs met within the relationship. Intellectually, there may be a difference in IQs, but their EQs are well matched. They can enjoy moments of childlike fun together. There may be instances of childish behaviour, but these are not a dominant feature of the relationship and nor are they tolerated to any great extent. Boundaries are drawn and kept to. There is necessarily some dependence, but overall they retain their own independence. These are healthy relationships where communication is open and effective. When the going gets tough, they are able to problem solve and support each other.
2. An adult and adult mini-me.
Two adults start out on equal footing. But, at certain times, one of the adults begins to display a significant amount of childish behaviour. For instance, sulks and tantrums. The whole list is on Audio 4 - Childish or childlike. The relationship changes into one between an adult and an adult mini-me. Communication can break
down.
If the change in the dynamic is supported and encouraged by the adult, this relationship can survive and even thrive. A dependency can be created, but it suits the needs of the individuals. It may not to everyone's taste, but if it’s not upsetting anyone and the people concerned are happy, then I’m not knocking it.
But if this change in dynamic is not supported by the adult, it can lead to a breakdown in the relationship. The adult has lost an equal and the adult mini-me, can’t find what they are looking for. The adult can find living or working with the adult mini-me, draining and unfullfilling. Overtime they will become frustrated and resentful. The adult mini-me also becomes angry and upset because the adult can’t solve their problems.
This can become an extremely unhappy and destructive relationship that often is sustained for years.
3. Two adult mini-mes
Two adults who cannot communicate as adults and are both attempting to resolve their childhood needs, instead of their adult needs. This relationship has a high degree of unhappiness as each partner cannot provide what the other is searching for. It can become chaotic. They may have good, even high IQs and be highly competent in the workplace. Emotionally they are on average 8 years old and under. Imagine two 8 year olds attempting to live together or working together and organising anything and one can understand the disaster it can become.
Here are some examples of the models I’m talking about: Marco Pierre-White is a 45 year old top British chef. His third marriage has just collapsed. When Marco was six years old, his adored, vivacious mother collapsed in front of him with a brain hemorrhage. She later died. He throws massive tantrums and has been quoted as saying, “ I am searching for my mother .” Marco is a successful businessman, but emotionally he is a frightened, bewildered six year old little boy. Sadly he will never find his mother. He may find someone who will mother him, but it can never be the same, because he is 45 not 6. He is chasing a dream - Chasing Rainbows.
There are many examples of men looking for mother figures and women looking for father figures. Most come about because the adult is looking for something for the child they once were.
Patti Boyd is a woman in her 50s, who was once married in turn to the world famous singers and guitarists George Harrison and Eric Clapton. She has just published her autobiography. In an article about her book, the writer suggests to Patti that the men she married were so infantile that they “shoved her into a sort of mummy role” Patti responds by saying “ I don’t know whether the mummy role was inherent because I was the eldest of six or because I never had children.”
As I said before, there’s no harm in this role-play, if there is agreement on both parts. It does work for some people. But often it doesn’t and it didn’t it Patti Boyd’s marriages.
Family relationship can be fraught with difficulties if the child is not allowed to grow up into the adult. How many times do we hear from adults, mature in years, “ my parent still treats me like a child?”
A business woman working in the city, recently won a large award because she had been bullied at work. But by other women. A group who constantly told her she smelt and blew raspberries at her. This is straight out of the playground. Sadly this sort of behaviour is common in many workplaces. It’s not so much juvenile as infantile, with results that lead to poorer productivity and increased sickness levels.
The American psychologist and expert on personal relationships, John Gottman has identified from research, the four destroyers of relationships. Contempt. Stonewalling. Withdrawal. Criticism. He talks about a ratio of 5:1. The relationship will stand more hope of surviving if there is one hour of positive communication to the five hours of negative. With Chasing Rainbows in mind, I would also suggest that these behaviours can also be seen in distressed children.
I have come to realise that my own mini-me is a 10 year old full of a sense of injustice with authority figures. She often used to appear in workplace situations. No wonder the outcomes weren’t helpful and made her even more indignant. It’s embarrassing to think about it.
As children we hopefully are guided by our parents and teachers. As adults we need to be doing it for ourselves.
©RitaLeaman2007
Footnote: After reading this podcast, a man said to a colleague about an old relationship, “ We were just children playing house in the play corner. She liked being babied, but I got fed up.”
©Ritaleaman2011
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